1989
Bob found us, his biological family, and it must have been a shock. I can say for sure it was an incredible experience for our entire family - especially my mom. Our dad had died long ago, suddenly, from a heart attack at 35, after having 7 more boys with mom. She hadn't told anyone about her and dad having Bob and giving him up for adoption. No one. So she showed us a picture one day when we were all over for Sunday dinner. "Who do you think this is?" She asked as we passed his picture around."Looks like Uncle Gerry," says one. "Looks like our cousin," says another. "Looks a LOT like our brother Bobby," says a third. "Who the heck is it!?" We all ask. "Well, its your brother," my mom says. "What???" Then she goes on to tell us the story about how our dad and she got pregnant before they were married. Scared of what their parents, family, and friends might say or think, they went to Florida, gave birth to a baby boy, and gave him up for adoption to Catholic Charities. I'm only stating the basic facts here, not the fearful, confused, heart-wrenching; tormented feelings they must've struggled with in coming to this difficult, life-changing decision.
They returned home, contemplated what they had done; decided to get married as well as attempt to get their son back. They did get married, but could not get the boy back; he had been adopted and there was no do-over. So Mary and Gene went on to have 7 more sons, perhaps in an effort to make amends to themselves and set things right in their hearts. Mom said she thought about him; wondered where he was and how he was doing Every Single Day of her life.
In around 1988 or 1989, she received a letter and a photo. Bob had found her!
And so one beautiful afternoon in Bloomfield NJ Bob bravely walked up the front walkway of our house on Evergreen Ave to meet his biological family: mom; stepdad, seven full-blood brothers, one half-sister. (Mom had remarried 10 years after dad had died and they had Bob's half-sister Karen.) Wow! He really was one of us! Looked just like us; acted like us; spoke like us. A brother we had never met; never even knew of, just showing up, out of the blue! "Where have you been all these years?" I asked myself in my head and in my heart, and began trying to find out. I cannot imagine what it must've been like for him. The joy at finding such a crazy history; so many siblings! And the deep sorrow perhaps for having missed out on something growing up.
Shortly thereafter, I went out to San Francisco to visit Bob, spending a week or ten days with him. He was working for Apple and living with a woman named Theresa, I think. I was so struck by the mannerisms we shared; smoking; sitting; chuckling; breathing. A study in genetics vs environment influence. It was then that I wrote a song for him: "What Have You Found?"
Bob took me to his buddhist temple one day to meditate; I'd always wanted to "officially" meditate. I had dabbled in it here and there, but never seriously. So I happily went. Quietly I sat on the cusion; legs crossed inagony; I sat there, an obvious new-be; so intense, trying not to move a muscle, breathing deeply, slowly. I'm sure those around me thought, "Oh, this guy is definitely a newbie." As we left the temple I excitedly told Bob how I had had all of these weird feelings; flashes of brilliant light; and how my body began floating, covered in tingling sensations. Bob, in his characteristic way just smiled and said, "Oh really, wow! That's so cool." At some point he did offer to me that we're taught not to let these "feelings" distract us, or carry us too far away; that we maybe don't want to give them too much weight. He was wise and gentle; caring and tolerant.
I visited him again a few years later in Halifax. He took me out sailing with some friends in Cape Bretton. He had bought a little house out there somewhere and seemed like he just fit-in. I knew he had found a home; a place where he wanted to live.
Then he introduced me to the teachings of Pema Chodron; a "live" CD of hers "True Happiness" from a retreat at Gampo Abbey Monastery, Nove Scotia; also "Getting Unstuck."
And then Peter Fenner - CD "Radiant Mind" - Non-dual wisdom; Mahayana Buddhism.
And of course the very first book he recommended, Cutting Through Spiritual Materialism, by Chogyam Trungpa Rinpoche. These teachings seemed to be his rock; his island; his home base.
I had so many questions for Bob, but more so I think Bob had so many questions about us - his biological family. But he resisted I believe in many ways, seeing that past of which he was not an active participant in as a giant ball of yarn. And pulling on one strand would only unravel the ball and reveal more yarn, tangles of yarn more yarn than anyone would know what to do with, or desire or be capable of untangling. So he watched from a distance. Asked limited questions about our family and other brothers. Kept in contact through emails - his communication of choice.
Bob had met his wife Nerissa; a beautiful woman inside and out, who seemed to be a perfect match for him. Yes, there was a somewhat considerable age difference - she was younger - but I thought this was terrific. It seemed right for him. Not that he was this great stud or anything; more like he was old soul with a quality of timelessness. But still, in my "younger brother" kind of way I thought, "Way to go Bob!" Yes, I was a bit of a cad, but I really was rooting for him and for her. And anyone could tell they were destined to be together and share their lives with one another.
Bob and Nerissa had their son Bodhi. And Bob and Bodhi came to visit me and my family (and of course our mom and the rest of our family) for a couple of weeks probably around the early 2000's. Bodhi was young, only a few years old at the time. He was truly the apple of his father's eye. It was so wonderful of Bob to come and let his biological mom enjoy meeting her grandson; but this is who Bob was. He cared about people; us; and made the trek, difficult as it may have been.
For the longest time we kept connected through email. Typical Bob fashion, he had an extremely sublime, anonymous email address connected to a just about non-existent personal website; a secret connection. It seemed he liked to keep hidden from the prying eyes of big tech, government, and international spies. I won’t reveal the name, but let's just say it was a website that "was not a website."
About 5 or so years ago he conformed and opened a gmail account, which I think was a big step for him, and I felt kind of proud of him for taking that step. That he had become somehow "lighter" about our communications and those he probably shared with others.
Bob did like to ask me questions: about how did I feel about this or that: a situation in NYC, or my opinion on a certain social issue; or how one of our brothers was doing in a particular marriage or relationship. He really seemed opened, especially in the last few years about different views politically and one day I saw something on Instagram which totally caught me off-guard - that he was running mayor of Halifax! I was so thrilled! I told him that if he ran he would win, in hopes of keeping him motivated and encouraged. He did not win. But I know he enjoyed testing the waters and perhaps would have gotten more involved as time went on.
Funny, from the time that I've know him, I (and my family) always called him "Rob" even though his name was Bob to his family and friends. But you see we had already had a brother in our family named Bob, So Bob Anders became Rob Anders. I look back now and see how this may have been somewhat difficult. To find out not only that you had seven brothers and a half sister and rich, colorful family that you missed out on, but "Oh, by the way, there's already one brother named Bob." I think this may have hurt him; though at the same time I think I can him laughing.
Bob Anders was an amazing guy. I use that word a lot, but in this case it's truly appropriate. The AMAZING Robert Anders.
A few of the major "pointers" Bob guided me towards:
* Cutting Through Spiritual Materialism, by Chogyam Trungpa Rinpoche
* All Shambhala Teachings
* Pema Chodron, True Happiness - Gampo Abbey Monastery, Nove Scotia; also Getting Unstuck
* Peter Fenner - Radiant Mind - Non-dual; Mahayana
